Thank You

I received this and thought about sharing it with you. Remember, it is only for fun so do not take it seriously.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

• Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
• I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
• I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what’s happened on it since it was last washed.
• I can’t enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.
• I have trouble shaking hands with someone who’s been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose.
• Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I’ve consumed over the years.
• I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she’s placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
• I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
• Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who’s about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
• I no longer have any money at all, but that’ll change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
• Thanks to you, I’ve learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
• Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
• I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
• I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
• And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it’ll blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.
• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they’re actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
• I no longer shop at Target since they’re French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
• Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
• And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day.

Oh, by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.