Soul Blossom

It all started when Qwaider initiated a fresh idea; Blog About Jordan Day, dedicated to our beloved Jordan from Jordanians all around the globe.

Bloggers will most likely talk about positive things, happy moments, emotional experiences … etc. As for me, I chose a real post - more real than it is cheerful. It reflects how I really feel towards Jordan. No masks or disguises. I will talk about the day I thought I lost Jordan.

I have been out of Jordan for almost five years (Exactly five on September 8). Ever since I left, I never went back to visit, I was supposed to but I did not. Circumstances. I obviously miss it a lot; I miss each and every single thing about it and each and every single person in it. When I left, it was as if I lost part of who I was. However, I always -in the back of my mind- thought, no actually I did not think but I knew for sure, that I was going to go back eventually. When? I had no idea! But I definitely will go back. I mean, I should go back. Or should I not? But Jordan is my country! Or is it not? Confusion!

As an expatriate, the thing I felt more often than anything else is emptiness. At first, it was exciting to live in another country: the US, which is considered the land of dreams for many. It was refreshing to experience living a new lifestyle, meeting different people, and trying things that did not exist in Jordan. Yet even the happiest expatriate would feel sad and lonely at times, and will remember the old days when life was simple.  At a certain point, I think we all thought it only revolved around us and around our own little worlds we created.

Lately, things have changed in Jordan and so have my feelings and thoughts. Everytime I watch the news, read newspapers, or check blogs it is always going from bad to worse. People are no longer acting normally (For the lack of a better word), it is almost as if people are competing at being as worst as it possibly can get. More selfishness, more greed, more lies. Spreading corruption and injustice. The government is turning people into beasts. The prices are rising by the minute. More taxes and less services. Poverty leading surprising percentages. Increasing violence and numbers of crimes. Honor crimes and rape. Poisoning cases. No sense of responsibilty or integrity. A more futile and careless society where underage kids get to smoke and drink and adults get to show off as homosexuals. In short, there are more reasons to make us sad than there are to make us happy. Amazingly, people continue to act as if they have no emotions anymore. My theory is that people have become cold from the inside due to the harsh conditions of life, and I do not know what or who to blame. The life I once knew no longer exists. As life changed, people did too. Some of you might argue that the things I have mentioned happen everywhere, and I bet they do. Still, I only am concerned about Jordan because it is my home and it saddens me to see what things have come to. In addition, Jordan is considered a small society compared to places such as the US, so the amount of negativity should be relatively less. Also, just because other countries might be infected with such horrible circumstances does not mean that Jordan has to catch the disease as well. All I know is that Jordan five years ago was different from Jordan today, and Jordan ten years ago was different from Jordan five years ago. My heart aches when I think of the changes it went and continues to go through.

I am not going to discuss the reasons as they are endless. Now though I feel as if I no longer know Jordan. But wait a minute, this situation reminds me of an expartiate friend who once told me: “I do not feel home when I am in the US, but I no longer feel home when I am in Jordan. Where is home to me?” She said it in such an innocent expression that I smiled regardless of the sadness the sentence contained. I felt homeless! I do not know if it is something all expatriates go through or if it is only me, my weird self.

It is funny how you always hear about certain things in movies and you think it is all exaggerated and would never happen in real life, only to find yourself in the middle of a situation you thought was unreal. It happened to me. After five years in the US, I discovered how busy yet empty life made me. The fast lifestyle people live contradicts itself in different ways. It is true that people always have something to do to keep themselves busy whether it is staying at university late to study, participating in student organizations and other activites, meeting up with friends, going out, watching a movie, hitting the gym … No matter what people are doing, they are doing it for themselves. There always is something that is missing. People live life as if they have no other choice, but I want to enjoy living. I do not want to get it over with and say my goodbyes. I want to feel happy inside, but I cannot help feeling that something is missing.

I understand that not all that we want comes true, but now I am in a state of loss. My wish on this day is for Jordan to feel better. I hope my wish manages to become a reality one day.